In this Valentine’s Day blog post, IBS member Lara Moon and her partner Dan talk about IBS and the impact it’s had on their relationship.

 

Lara’s experience

I write a lot about how I feel and what I do to manage my symptoms, but my IBS doesn’t just affect me. It effects those closest to me, especially my partner. I’ve realised that it takes a lot to be in a relationship with someone who has IBS. As tiring and difficult as it might be for us, do we ever stop to wonder how it effects those we love?

Dan and I met before my IBS was triggered. During the first six months we went out a lot and socialised. I’ve never been a heavy drinker but I still enjoyed going for drinks in our local pubs and eating out at all sorts of delicious restaurants. When I became sick and my IBS was at its worst all of that stopped. I became very anti-social and stopped drinking alcohol altogether as it would cause the worst flare-ups.

We were still fairly new into our relationship and found it a bit of a shock to us both. Having to adapt my life around my IBS became the new normal. It was really hard work, especially when I moved away to university after my diagnosis, but we made it through and here we are a few years later still going strong. Like any couple we’ve had our ups and downs, but he’s been there throughout my whole IBS journey and sometimes I’m amazed he’s stuck with it.

It takes a very strong and loving person to help care for someone with a chronic condition like IBS. It’s affected my mental state as well as my physical health and throws constant challenges our way. Dealing with it together has been tough and there have been times where I have questioned whether our relationship would suffer because of my IBS but so far I think we’re doing pretty well. I can be selfish sometimes when I am feeling down or having a flare-up and find that it’s easy to forget about how my IBS affects those around me.

After thinking about this for a while I asked my partner what it was like for him to be with someone with a chronic condition.

 Dan’s experience

What is it like being in a relationship with someone with IBS?

It can be frustrating at times but it can’t be helped. First and foremost, you have to be understanding. Flare-ups can happen when you least expect it – they’re certainly never planned! Cancelling plans at the last minute or having to adapt the plans you made becomes a regular occurrence. Don’t play the blame game or guilt trip your partner as it will only make them feel worse. It’s no-ones fault that their IBS is playing up. Just accept it and learn to work around it.

It can be tiring and difficult at times but one good day is worth 10 bad days! Try and focus on the positives – it will get easier. Working together to create a self-care plan is great at helping to maintain some sense of normalcy. When IBS flares-up you can feel very out of control and helpless so being adaptable is essential.

What can you do to help your loved one manage their IBS better?

It’s all about support. Do research and read medical articles that can help them understand their IBS. By improving your own understanding and awareness of IBS you are in a better position to support your loved one. If there is a chance it could help them cope with or better manage their IBS then it’s worth trying.

Just be there. Whether it be physically taking them to medical appointments or just sending a text asking how they’re doing. It’s the little things that count. Even when you’re not together let them know you’re still there for them – just a text or phone call away.

When the pain is too much or your loved one feels completely overwhelmed by a flare-up the simplest thing can take their mind away from it all. Find ways that help them forget about the pain for a while and keep them from worrying or stressing about ‘getting better’. Don’t rush them and just remind them that it’ll be okay.

How do you feel when you see your loved one struggling with a flare-up?

Honestly, you feel helpless. No matter how many peppermint teas you make or back rubs you give, you can’t take the pain away. You just have to do your best to help your loved one stay comfortable and relaxed to help them recover as quickly as possible. Don’t see yourself as a carer. Don’t refer to your loved one as sick or ill. Don’t accuse or blame. It’s no-one’s fault.

This interview first appeared in Lara’s blog, Not Just IBS.